On the Discworld's last continent, it's hot. It's dry. . . very dry. There was this thing once called the Wet, which no one now believes in. Practically everything that's not poisonous is venomous. But it's the best bloody place in the world, all right? And it'll die in a few days, except. . . Who is this hero striding across the red desert? Champion sheep shearer, horse rider, road warrior, beer drinker. A man in a hat, whose Luggage follows him on little legs, Yes . . . all this place has between itself and wind-blown doom is Rincewind, the inept wizard. He's the only hero left. Still . . . no worries, eh?

Everyone knows that the world is flat, and supported on the backs of four elephants. But weren't there supposed to be five? Indeed there were. So where is it?...When duty calls. Commander Vimes of the Ankh-Morpork constabulary answers. Even when he doesn't want to. He's been "invited" to attend a royal function as both detective and diplomat. The one role he relishes; the other requires, well, ruby tights. Of course where cops (even those clad in tights) go, alas, crime follows. An attempted assassination and a theft soon lead to a desperate chase from the low halls of Discworld royalty to the legendary fat mines of Uberwald, where lard is found in underground seams along with tusks and teeth and other precious ivory artifacts. It's up to the dauntless Vimes -- bothered as usual by a familiar cast of Discworld inhabitants (you know, trolls, dwarfs, werewolves, vampires and such) -- to solve the puzzle of the missing pachyderm. Which of course he does. After all...

Free online fiction. Novelette. This is the story of the time that Granny Weatherwax didn't win the Witch Trials and was nice about it, too. It was horrifying. "It's not right! She's got no right to go around being cheerful at people!" Originally published in the collection Legends Vol. 3.